


Dear Ideal Partner

by the_ineffable_yeet



Category: no - Fandom
Genre: My teacher gave us an assignment I hated, so I turned it into something fun, this is why you shouldn't make me think about my future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 12:29:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20097247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_ineffable_yeet/pseuds/the_ineffable_yeet
Summary: My English teacher made us write a one page letter to our ideal future partner for Valentine's day.I was not happy about it and did not take it seriously at all.





	Dear Ideal Partner

Dear Ideal Partner,

Go die in a hole. Just kidding. I know you would have loathed this assignment as much as I do, and would take absolutely no offense to the previous statement.

You are relatively slow to warm up to people, let alone realize you have feelings at all. However, you are quick to laugh at absurdities and make fun of almost anything. I’m glad that you have such an offbeat sense of humor that others find appalling. It’s all the more reason to live in a secluded castle in the mountainside that your decrepit uncle had custom-built when he became a vampire back in the late 17th century.

I’m so grateful that we are able to compromise on the things we do not agree on. For example, while you are content to wither away up in the smaller library of the west wing of the castle, I much prefer the fresh air of the city, and as such we may spend months apart with no communication whatsoever. Upon returning, I bring you souvenirs which you immediately burn in the grand fireplace installed into the very center of the courtyard. This is acceptable. We compromise on things. Both of us enjoy games such as ‘ghost in the graveyard’ and ‘how many milkshakes can you drink before vomiting up your entrails’, and are competitive to the point where grand competitions may last days or weeks. Another of our favorite pastimes is ‘convincing the castle staff that the place actually is haunted by numerous ghosts and ghouls from Gothic horror novels’.

Children are entirely out of the question. They are obnoxious. I should know, I was one. As for our families, we rarely invite them over, but when we do, the visits usually end with a raucous karaoke battle. I enjoy the company of your family more than you do, and you enjoy the company of mine more than I, with the exception of my grandmother. Everyone loves my grandmother.

While the vast sums of money inherited from your filthy-rich royalty family means you and I will never _ need _ to work, we both have occupations. You often take much-loathed visits to see the Queen, your mother. It is not out of necessity, these visits, merely that she gets lonely and appreciates the company. Your mother is the only one that can persuade you to leave our castle and its grounds for any length of time. While at home, you’re often perusing the vast library collection or attempting to design a machine that will make various animal noises. I’m not convinced you were cut out to be an engineer, dearest. As for me, I paint various eldritch horrors onto the staircase walls, and design costumes for obscure theater productions. Although we have differing interests, you sometimes help me with my artistic endeavors, and I am keen to discuss your literature with you. We often go on romantic walks through the fog-filled rocks of the mountains, listening to the pleasant sounds of crunching leaves, breaking branches, and _ slithering _. Our future together will be marvelous.

You understand, of course, that I will inevitably assassinate you and inherit the throne.

Lots and Lots of Love,

Your Future Weeb♡

**Author's Note:**

> She gave me a 90 by the way lmao


End file.
